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/\\ /\\ /\\ /\\ // \\ // \\ EPHISTO // \\ // \\ ADWARE // \// \\ // \// \\ -= and =- __ __ __ ___ __ __ /| / /| |\ |\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ /_| /_ / | | \ | \ \__ \ \ \ \ _\ \ \__ /\ / / / | \| \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ / \ /_ /__/ | | \ \__ \ \_\ \ \ \__ \__ Mephisto Madware/Red Menace Productions Present: "Real Pez Devotees" ~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~~~ by: (who else?) Mr. Pez ~~~ ~~~ Now, as the swirl of text graphics finishes, you realize that what you have is another annoying file from Mr. Pez. "Ah," you say, "but I haven't SEEN any files from Mr. Pez!" To which I counter, "My annoying personality on the many boards I call, not to mention 75-line messages, can be considered to be files." And this file tells you how to be JUST LIKE your favorite candy/dispenser combo. first part: Real Pez Devotees as Sysops Real Pez Devotees will be sysops in the near future, and have always been that way. Real Pez Devotees, if sysops, want to know everything about their users, like real names and stuff. Real Pez Devotees don't mind leeching, if done in mild amounts, since they know that leeching is how they got all their files. Real Pez Devotees really love uploads. ("What the hell is this shit? ALL sysops love uploads!") (Ah, my misguided friend, Real Pez Devotees are eternally grateful.) Real Pez Devotees never have the heart to delete users who quite obviously are fake, like users who call themselves "BIOC AGENT 003", on the off chance that they might be the real person. Real Pez Devotees, if finally given sysop access, say so everywhere, and beg people to call the board. (In this case, The Works, 914-238-8195. See?) second part: Real Pez Devotees as BBS users Real Pez Devotees "pollute" BBS's. That is to say, they call them regularly, say twice a day, and post an awful lot. This is not altogether well-liked by the sysops and users of those boards, but they realize they can't really do anything about it. And a Pez is not such an bad thing to have on a board, since while they leech, they upload, too, and join in conversations. corollary: Real Pez Devotees saturate their area code. Real Pez Devotees, sadly, kiss ass, and go out of their way to avoid confrontations, sometimes changing their posistion right then and there. That's not altogether bad, but does hurt a Pez's credibility. corollary: Real Pez Devotees apologize. Real Pez Devotees never know who to put as "references"...they have spoken and left mail to a lot of people, but think that it's a big step to put someone as a reference. Real Pez Devotees leech of boards they know, but are loath to leech off of pirate boards, since they don't want to look bad. (See "Real Pez Devotees, sadly, kiss ass"..) Real Pez Devotees use long-distance services to make free calls, but know that this does not make them considered "phreaks". They use the "codes" to call all kinds of BBS's all over the country once a day. corollary: Real Pez Devotees will never say they "phreak" to anyone who might possibly know anything about it, but will look down on people who only call local Commodore 64 BBS's. Real Pez Devotees like many kinds of IBM BBS software, notably WWIV for its neat ANSI (colored) graphics tricks, Forum for its full-screen editor, PC-Board for its enjoyable prospects for leeching, Citadel for its ease of logging on, reading all messages, and logging off, as well as the ability for anyone to create "rooms", or sub-boards (NOT called SUBZ!!1 which are sandwiches that you get from a deli.), software called "M-Link" for its overall whackiness (i.e. individual ranknames and a general good humor). corollary: Real Pez Devotees hate RBBS, C-Net (and mostly all Commodore 64 BBS software), and yes, AE's without anything "attached", like TAC, TransPhor (it's new, for IBM's), or having BBS's attached to them. Real Pez Devotees gently harass people they know, which is sometimes taken out of context to try to show a Pez as mean, or spiteful. Real Pez Devotees are nosy, and have tried to read messages with an "S." in front of them, as well as "Reciever-Only" messages on PC-Boards. (Note to unenlightened: "PC- Board" is an IBM BBS program, not a general term for boards run on IBM's. It's sort of like RBBS, only spiced up with color and better transfer sections.) They also look at Callers Logs to find out who was tying up the board when they wanted to be on, and how many downloads people make. If they know the sysop's voice number, they'll call him if the board is busy, and ask who's on. third part: The Writing Styles of Real Pez Devotees Real Pez Devotees care about spelling and proper use of grammar in textfiles/messages, but rarely say so. But in their minds, they don't really respect people who spell badly and use improper grammar. Although, (see the "ass-kissing" section) they will overlook improper grammar if the person has a national reputation (i.e. certain Neon Knights, Budman "Zeek", and others.). That's why a Pez likes Anarchy inc. so much, because they seem very intelligent, as a whole. Ex: I looked up the word "corollary" because I wasn't sure how to spell it. Ex: I'm going to spell-check this when I'm done. Real Pez Devotees have adapted a lot of people's writing styles, as well as their own, to form what looks like a unique personality. Some examples follow: 1. Capitalizing words to emphasize points Ex: "I can't BELIEVE you did that!" Also, using an asterisk after the word to emphasize points. (Stolen from Citadels in Minnesota.) Ex: "I can't believe* you said that!" 2. Using "..." to link common subjects, or indicate time passing, or end a sentence. Ex: "I can't believe you said that...but I guess I would too, in that situation...who knows..." 3. Two spaces after a period. That's pretty much universal, though. As well as skipping a line between paragraphs. 4. A lot of commas used, so as not to appear as a run-on sentence. 5. When chatting, every line begins with "Yeah," or "Well,". 6. The use of "a), b), c)" to distinguish separate points. fourth part: The Personal Habits of Real Pez Devotees Real Pez Devotees stay up until 11:30 on weeknights, and wake up at 5:30, and thus are numb all day. On weekends, they stay up until 3am, when the boards finally become freed up. Or else they write textfiles like this one. Real Pez Devotees screw around on the computer until 10:00 every day, and then do their homework. Strangely enough, I got my highest grades ever since starting this. Real Pez Devotees drink large amounts of Coke Classic, which allows them to stay up to 3am. Also, "Twix" bars are a cool thing to eat, from time to time. Another fave is cereal ("Cinnamon Life") eaten at odd hours. Real Pez Devotees feel awkward walking into a classroom when there are a lot of people already in there. They always feel sort of awkward in front of lots of people. Unless they are drunk, in which case they don't care. Unfortunately, this is a rare happening. Normally, we (the Real Pez Devotees) are hyper from Coca-Cola. Real Pez Devotees fight with their siblings. Real Pez Devotees enjoy volleyball, soccer, and baseball, but hate football and "bombardment". (A violent version of Dodgeball.) (Real Pez Devotees have always thought Speedball sounded better than it played.) Real Pez Devotees yell at their parents from time to time, but usually do what they say. (Within reasonable limits.) Real Pez Devotees have really short hair, and like it that way. fifth part: Real Pez Devotees And Clothes Real Pez Devotees wear: khaki pants "Banana Republic" button-downs "Coca-Cola" clothes Levi's "501" jeans Docksiders (without socks until December, usually. They can take it.) glasses. If a Real Pez Devotee finds a shirt he likes, he'll buy several in different colors. And has trouble explaining it. Real Pez Devotees have sneakers, but usually leave them in their gym locker, preferring instead the ubiquitous Docksiders or duck boots (ugly, but Real Pez Devotees don't care). sixth part: (holy shit!) Real Pez Devotees and Music Real Pez Devotees listen to: Ska (which includes) The English Beat The Specials The Skatalites The Selecter Rico Rodriguez Reggae (only) Yellowman Black Uhuru old Santana records their own music (more on that later) Run-D.M.C. (they got hooked last year) Real Pez Devotees hate: Top 40 (including all) Genesis Bon Jovi Madonna Pet Shop Boys and all other Top 40 fluff groups. Stryper (that's fucking scarier than Satanism in "metal"!) Real Pez Devotees are in a band, and go over to their friend's houses on weekends with a lot of equipment and jam. This usually results in a song, or degenerates into a point where they go to the computer and start harassing people on CompuServe "CB". The songs are mixed, like rap, reggae, blues, slamdance stuff, and artsy Talking Heads clones. seventh part: Bullshitting Around/The End So, I figured I had to start with a "Real" file. One that detailed my personality, and habits, and stuff. My name's Mr. Pez, and I don't expect you to imitate me. Hell, I don't know what to think of this file. It's kind of long, huh? Hope it was worth it... -Pez : STUPID_SPECS RM/MM '87 Begun: 25 February 1987 3:12pm Finished: 28 February 1987 1:26am Written on: IBM PC, Writing Assistant (written and spell-checked) Edited: with PC-Write (for justification, clarity, text graphics) Author: Mr. Pez For: Red Menace, Octothorpe Productions (?), Mephisto Madware Size: 15,640 bytes A few boards which ask only that you grace them with your presence. _- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - _____N_a_m_e____________S_y_s_o_p_____S_o_f_t_w_a_r_e____N_u_m_b_e_r____ [] The Works! [] Jason Scott! [] PCBoard 10.0 || [914]/238-8195 [] [] The Darque Side [] S Bunker [] Micro*Link || [408]/245-SPAM [] [] Terrapin Station [] Count Nibble [] AE:TAC || [505]/865-0883 [] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ classroom when there are a lot of people already in there. They always feel sort of awkward in front of lots of people. Unless they are drunk, in which case they don't care. Unfortunately, this is a rare happening. Normally, we (the Real Pez Devotees) are hyper from Coca-Cola. Real Pez Devotees fight with their siblings. Real Pez Devotees enjoy volleyball, soccer, and baseball, but hate football and "bombardment". (A violent version of Dodgeball.) (Real Pez Devotees have always thought

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